I’m like a broken record, saying this every now and then. I’ve taken a bunch of breaks already, I think I need to take another one, because I feel bad.

It’s not enough that I feel bad, but I’m always in the need to feel good. But about what? I don’t exactly know. I haven’t known since I was young. I don’t really know what to feel happy about. I don’t know what happiness really is, I realize. Sure, funny things make me laugh, and I go aww and get all giddy whenever I see cute animals, or I listen to a song I like over and over again, etc. Is that happiness? What about my attempts to stop myself from seeing all the bad that’s in this world? Whenever I’m successful for a few days, is that happiness? Those moments that are interrupted eventually by something I do not want to see. But then again am I really happy during those times I don’t experience any pain/sadness?

I can’t exactly be happy, honestly. How can I be happy when I know someone else is having their worst moment, or eventually an unhappy moment will happen to someone else? I know it’s useless to worry so much about that- because it would be impossible for a single person to stop bad things from happening the whole world throughout. But I can’t stop thinking about it. If I can’t handle the fact that I saw something that made me upset, I can’t handle the fact that someone else is having something bad happen to them even while I’m doing okay.

There’s always something that will take away the happiness. Something bad here, another bad thing there, a bad thing happening in the future. What’s there to be happy about if something bad is bound to happen?

I’m sorry to be such a downer. That’s how I’ve been for a while now. I can’t help but think none of this matters. There’s no such thing as happiness for myself. It bothers me so much and I can’t take it. I say hopeful things trying not to hurt others but I probably end up hurting them and I hurt myself. I’m the only reason everything bad happens.

I know no one actually loves or cares about me. Everyone only wants to hurt me, in some way or fashion. Even speaking about this gives everyone else the satisfaction. But maybe they’re right in hurting me. But maybe they’re not. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like defending myself, but what if it results in more people getting hurt? What if it results in myself hurting myself even more? What if I’m wrong and people do care about me? But that’s wrong, right? Because I see it in everyone’s faces whenever I see their eyes. I know they hate me.

This is a spiel now, eh? Who the fuck even cares about this? Who cares about me? No one reads these, no matter how much I cry about it. You know what, fuck it. Hate me please. I don’t want your love. I don’t want to be loved anyways. You didn’t love me in the first place, so stop fucking pretending, please! I don’t want to care anymore, and I don’t want you to care about me anymore. I’m not a person worth caring for anymore. I’m not worth a person.

I want to stay alive. Just to make everyone that hates me suffer. My existence is their toy to abuse but also the garbage that litters their floor. I refuse to leave completely. I refuse to not be. I’ll be here for the rest of time. Just a nuisance. That’s how it will always be.

Perhaps I’m just mentally unsound. I don’t know. I don’t think so honestly. I think I have issues, but maybe one day it’ll work out. Maybe none of this was actually bad and I was overreacting.

Anyways, thanks for reading.

I’m having another one of those times where I keep thinking bad thoughts. It’s bugging me out. I can’t let this take me in anymore. I’m evil! The bad thoughts are mine to have and conquer! I’m better than some phony brain.

Not good actually, I’m supposed to be evil in the first place, lol. But yeah, all’s well. I just need to calm down evilly.

I lived a day of being evil. So far so good.

I want more pillows so I can build pillow forts, damn it!

So be it.

I’m still here, aren’t I?

It doesn’t matter, everyone was going to view me as evil. My existence is a bane upon their lives, apparently. So I shall exist. I will not do anything different. But by staying alive, I will beat them. By becoming a better person, I become even more evil to them. So be it.

Fuck all of that shit. I’m evil. I’ll get through it using my evil energy or some shit, lol. Fuck it all. I refuse to be held down by your foolish nonsense, world! And me too. I refuse to be held down by myself. Being evil feels good, so I’ll be evil for as long as I like.